becoming badass - day 1

So I used to be the Crying Wolf as the blog address said. I used to be miserable, sensitive and an open book. My family hurts me and they happen to treat me like shit more and more often. I used to care. And I used to cry. But I've decided to change that. From now on no one has an impact on how I feel. Where did this big change come from? You'd be surprised but I've watched "Kick-Ass 2" yesterday and Hit-Girl has become my role model. It came the time when I don't only silently admire the characters I like, but also actually let their best qualities inspire me to change something in my personality.

So the blog address is now being-badasss.blogspot.com because that's what I plan to write here - a diary of  life without sharing your problems with others. We'll see how I'm gonna cope with being a badass. We'll see if I can become one.

Today I got threatened very bad by my grandma and my mother (who is here in Poland just for 5 days and after that she's gonna come back London to leave me for another year. Yet she treats me like shit).

I tried to hard to be calm and collected, but I cried a little at the end. The first thing I wanted to was to go to my neighbor and cry on her shoulder. I didn't. I came home, turned on my laptop and opened the blog. Somehow I feel better now. And now I am proud of myself I didn't seek for help.

I try not to care, and not to think to deeply of what my fam have told me. I'll make do. Even if they don't give back the money I lent them. Even if I have to do all the things by myself. Even if they think I'm crazy and should be put in mental hospital. I'll survive. And I will love myself for not asking for help.

Entry #1

I finished the book. I watched the movie. And I was lying there, feeling the tears dropping down on my chick. I didn't actually know why I was crying, but I think that it might just be the feeling of emptiness. You know the feeling when your life is passing in front of your eyes and you are not actually living? I felt that. But it wasn't the kind of feeling you get and than you sign up for some new activity and try to get involved. It was completely different. I just feel like I'm in a cage, closed for anything that could actually be called 'living'. You can have a life in any country, it doesn't necessarily have to be the US, you'd say. Maybe it doesn't. But I have this feeling that education is more fun in there. That people tend to be more easy going. That you feel free. Basically, you get to live. And I can't stand any more waiting. Not two years. By telling you this, I risk sounding silly, but I really don't care. I need to tell that someone, I need to save this words and thoughts because the time is going to pass really fast with me still not getting to live. And I want to have it stopped for a second. And I wanna believe that by telling you this right now, I can stop it. I wanna believe I am not wasting my youth doing nothing and being nowhere. Because that's how I feel and I really don't find any other way to do something about it. I'm praying to God to help me, because I heard he loves everybody, so if he does love me, I really hope he would help me.